Sunday, February 8, 2015

To Sleep or Not to Sleep Next to Someone?

Grey's Anatomy sleep talk:

Meredith: Not used to sleeping without her husband or best friend; who both moved to different cities (my break up of 2011).

Bailey: Doesn't like sleeping next to her husband because he snores and emits heat (lol). Since he works overnight, she can sleep peacefully (when me and my ex weren't getting along).

Dr. Shepherd: Misses someone being there but barely touching with an arm around her waist (barely feel this way now).

Dr. Pierce: Can't sleep with someone next to her. Had a boyfriend who tried to cuddle and snuggle but she lied awake. Would sneak off to the couch (ever since my break-up of last year and everyone else after that fell asleep before me and I lied awake bored).

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Thou Shall Not Steal

Thou Just Did...

1) I grew up watching her steal money from her father, from her mother, from me.
2) I grew up watching her steal our sleep by keeping us awake at night with her anger.
3) I grew up watching them steal her cigarettes.
4) I grew up watching her steal our prized possessions and throw them in the garbage.
4) I grew up watching T.V. shows and movies where children, adults and the elderly stole from each other all the time.
5) She stole the money I dropped on her floor.
6) They stole and wore my accessories.
7) She and he stole from their friends, family and strangers.
8) He stole their virginity.
9) She stole their heart.
8) They stole from me.
9) I crushed their ego and stole their confidence. I betrayed her and stole her money when it came to paying off school and some personal items. This is how you become a sociopath without realizing it. If everyone can do it and get away with it, why can't the good girl who watches everyone do it, too?

Monday, February 2, 2015

"Restless" [Poem]

I'm lonely again 'cause it's Sunday.
It's odd how I'm most restless on God's day of rest.
I'm lonely waking up next to you 'cause I don't feel
your hand wrapped around my waist.
I turn to look back and I don't see your face.
I wish you could feel what it's like to be in my place.

I'm lonely waking up without you. It's just me on this bed.
Sometimes I sleep on my side. Sometimes I sleep on yours.
Sometimes I sleep in the middle. Right now I sleep on the couch.
Sometimes I sleep in their house. I never let anyone lay or sleep
on your side. Now that I think about it; it's been so long
that I moved the bed and threw out the mattress that I can't even
remember which one was your side; the left or the right? *smiles*

"Sunday" [Poem]

It's Sunday night. My back aches.
I got chest pains. Wish I could spend
but I have to save. On the couch I lay.

I yearn to talk to someone.
I have no one genuinely
into me the way I was when
I was in love with you.

I cry remembering the plans I used to
be excited to make. Lonely so I have to
plan for the future. Unfortunately this time
it doesn't include you. I cry thinking about
the last new guy I was with. He helped me
forget you by the way he kissed.

I was on his bed. He put the T.V. on
but when he turned his back,
I saw you; same tank top and boxers.

So many tears quickly and warmly
fall down now since he wasn't you.
He didn't make me feel safe and calm.
I was scared. I was losing my dignity
to prove I could be a man; do what you do,
act like I never needed you but it's not true.

When we had sex, I didn't even think
about you. It was like looking at my
reflection. He made me feel good,
but in no way, shape or form could he
compare to you. But someone could
outdo you so I went back to last year's boo.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Woman's Intuition

I'm mad because I wanted to fall in love.
I'm sad because I wanted to fall in love with you.
I was falling in love with your words.
I wanted to believe that you could fall in love with me too.
I felt that feeling you get when you feel you've connected
with someone on a level only both of you can understand.
I forget that it's all in my head and it's usually one-sided.
It was too good to be true. Something was "off" and I couldn't
put my finger on it. It just seemed like a sick joke.
You were probably doing who knows who,
smoking who knows what and I was being faithful to you?
Someone I didn't even know but I do know when
someone is hiding something from me and I don't like it!
You pushed back while I wanted to get close but then got closer.
You were a liar; a fake. A person without a real name or age.
This was insane. You were a little twisted inside; I could tell.
I'm a good face reader. Something deep in your eyes wasn't well.
It was like reading myself but I want to ultimately go to heaven.
You just want to take me on your crazy joyride to hell.

Monday, January 26, 2015

Still Bitter

January 25, 2015 - 9:50AM

Dear Future Soulmate,

I need you. I'm torn.
I can't invest so much on education
if I'm not going to finish,
if I don't want it bad enough
and if I don't believe in myself.
I've failed before many times
with school, work and relationships.
I'm so sad and angry inside even though
I smile and look "beautiful" outside
(not beautiful enough for superficial
assholes and too beautiful for
ugly b*tches inside and out
who try too hard to look and feel pretty).
I don't have as much patience.
I'm afraid of my own success and happiness.
I have days I don't want to talk to anyone.
I have days I don't want to listen to anyone.
Help me.

Love,
B

P.S. I'm going to church to praise God. Hope you're doing the same :)

Grateful/Thankful

If you're happy with what you're doing
and I'm happy with what I'm doing,
we can be happy together.
We respect each other's time and work ethic.
We trust that no matter what,
we're going to be there for each other.
Most importantly during the bad
'cause the people you can celebrate with
are the ones who share your passion.

I appreciate everyone who's been there
for me during the bad times.
You'd think it's not a lot I go through
because of the smile on my face
but many people brought me back to life
when I felt dead last year;
from friends to acquaintances
to celebrities to family.
Thank you God!!!