Saturday, December 10, 2011

Taking Care of Myself

I need this time for myself.
I’m tired of giving myself to others.
I have to give myself to myself.
It feels so good to just breathe.
I’ve been avoiding myself
by being around everyone else.
I wanted others to be happy.
I wanted others to make me happy.
I know that will never happen.
I was happy giving others advice.
Advice that I should’ve taken.
Advice that my ex told me.
Advice that my sis told me.
That my therapist told me.
That everybody has told me.
I wonder if this is how he felt.
It kills me inside not knowing
he needed help.
And I said, "I’m here for you"
but he didn’t even try.
I wanted to take care of others.
Compensate for what
my past couldn't give to me.
What I don't feel my present
is giving to me.

I'm scared of being home on wknds
with my mother talking to herself.
It's not easy hearing her yell at herself.
I thought she was arguing with my father.
I get out of my house because of my mom.
My house is not a home.
Not when she's alone
and showing me how
insecure she is.
It's tough.
I'm afraid that in the middle of it,
she will not see a good person,
but a creation of my father
or a resemblance of her;
what she wanted to be
and will want to hurt me
'cause this is what she wishes
she could be.
Toxic environment.
So I hide in my room.
I'm even afraid of my room.
Afraid my negative thoughts
will get the best of me.
But I'm strong.
I've been strong all along.

We’ve loved so much.
We have been betrayed by lust.
So much that we are afraid of human touch.
We are filled with tears in our eyes
And burning, yearning fire in our hearts.
I ask myself this question:
If you love yourself enough,
you will be able to show me who you are.
And if I see you for who you really are,
I will accept it
because you know what?
I have done things
and been easily influenced.
It doesn’t make you a bad person
unless you believe it.
If you believe you're good,
you're good.
It makes you human!
Will you let me near you,
or will you hide away from me?
Will you make me run the other way or stay?
Will you tell me how you feel today
or will you make me wait?
We all suffer from depression.
We’re just afraid to say it.
Why? We can’t avoid it.
Our brains are different.
We will slowly go insane
if we don’t control
our negative thoughts.
So control them!
Before they control you.

Who’s holding me? Me.
Who’s feeding me? Me.
Who’s tucking me in? Me.

I'm a prisoner of my own body.
My thoughts and words.
I'm in my thoughts,
and when my thoughts are racing,
it means I'm thinking and looking for an answer,
and you'll see my eyes going back and forth like crazy.
I cannot listen to a word
because I am emotionally drained
by all the changes around me,
and I'm trying to digest it all but it's too much sometimes.
I wanna scream, I wanna cry but not in public, not outside.
Inside, I gotta find a house, I gotta talk to someone, let it out.
Oof ok I did it, but it's not enough. I'm still stuck.
Stuck with not enough self-love but I must not give up.

 I Loved You With A Fire Red Now It's Turning Blue. - "Apologize" by One Republic

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