Saturday, January 17, 2015

My Transformation

I stopped being a listener cuz I didn't wanna hear anymore. When you become someone's sounding board, the person dumps all their crap on you. They're so consumed w/ their problems to listen to what you're going through. I would come home & dump my pile on the ppl I loved & didn't want it to be that way. The less friends, the better. Then I became a talker...since 2008. That's a long ass time. I unconsciously pushed everyone away w/ my negativity & "problems" til last yr when I realized I had to take draining ppl who had no direction out of my life. I called them plagues. Then my mom changed like 2 face recently & I realized I didn't have a bf (specifically my ex) to console me, to calm me down, to run to, to take me out & I cried. I needed someone who understood ME; knew the old me. I'm tired of opening up to new ppl only to have them cut me off or vice versa. I wasn't ready to let anyone leading me on or having a double life in. I didn't want anyone to know I was hurting. How do I fool the world? I TALK, I LAUGH, I MAKE JOKES so they don't have to ask what's wrong but I had no words. I had no audience to play pretend FOR THE FIRST TIME. The pain was written all over my face. I'm glad I didn't have anyone to turn to because I discovered that all along I was 2 face. For the first time I realized how MY BEHAVIOR affected everyone around me. I felt so bad about who I hurt along the way but friendships & relationships are a two way street. I can't fight for someone who's never fought for me. I was upset at that fact that no one told me I was cold. Maybe they did but not the nicest way. I cried some more. I told my sis that I was sad. She told me I had to let it out. I told her that I couldn't. She said it would eat me up inside. I knew she was right. I had an instinct to reach out to someone who I felt would be able to be there for me & I contacted a few others just in case he wouldn't respond. I was like what the hell, it's worth a try. I need a friend. I wasn't gonna dump my probs through a text. That's OD. Luckily I saw him & he was surprised I was quiet & for the first time since my ex I was able to open up to a guy in person about my private life...without crying. He said how the apple didn't fall far from the tree. I laughed cuz I remember last yr telling him he didn't know me; the real me but I was wrong. How could a person, who spent less than a month throughout the 8 yrs combined in my company, know me so well?!

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